I am somebody else

I survived a lot in my life, some things that people know and others that I keep to myself. Not out of fear but because I am healed enough to not let it impact me anymore.

There are still times that I let things get under my skin a bit and then I run away—run back to myself to get my feelings in check. To see why I felt that way and why my reaction was to go inside myself, to run instead of stand up for myself.

I survived some things that people are afraid to talk about. My roommate and I talked about some things the other night and I realized that I have changed a lot in these past six months, even the last year. All for the better, I have a lot of momentum and I have a passion project that I am working on.

I tend to hide things often, I did that growing up a lot. Hiding things that I did not think people would believe or I was told were not true. Emotional manipulation is one of the hardest things to heal from. I, to this day, have a hard time understanding people's intentions and how to read people. I like to think I can read people well; however, if I have motivations with a person I tend to struggle to see anything other than what I want to see.

I ran into a friend the other day who I have not seen in over a year, and she is someone who had such a great impact on me growing up—was a sister to me. It was strange to think about who I was when I had met her. I was so insecure, being emotionally manipulated still by the adults in my life and too afraid to be myself. Relying too much on other people in my life for my confidence, or trusting myself.

Now I am pretty reliant on how I am feeling—with having my minimal OCD symptoms it has really changed how I am able to see things lately. Ultimately, I am not the same person I was even a year ago. I am so thankful for that version of myself. Without her strength, I would not be where I am today.

I am not the same person I was 6 years ago, she was triggered into such a deep anxiety and PTSD cycle. Without her putting in work, realizing what was happening and deciding to make changes like going back to therapy, starting EMDR and opening doors, I would not be where I am today.

I am not the same person that I was 10 years ago, she was trying so hard to understand who she was, going into college and trying to make the best of her time away from home. She was experiencing freedom for the first time and did not allow herself to be fully free because of comfort that someone brought her and gave her the most insecure and false set of confidence. Without her, I would not be who I am today, she battled alcohol abuse and hurt people. She tried her best and she did the best that she could with what she had. Hurt people hurt people and sometimes you take too long to forgive yourself that you lose the people who forgave you.

I am not the same person I was when I was 16, she was coming out of a major depressive episode and about to head into another one. She had such a great set of friends, drove at all hours of the night to get some peace, to get out of the house and to find ways to relax. Without her, I would not be who I am today and I am so grateful that she overcame all her challenges, I am so proud of her. She went through a lot.

I am not the same person I was when I was 10, I was trying to balance living in two houses, the balance of friends, realizing that people care so much about what others think about them. That there were ranks in school on popularity and all I wanted to do was to feel loved so I chased this feeling of being accepted because I did not accept myself for who I was.

There are so many different versions of myself that I have been, while they may still be living through that cycle in time—depending on your beliefs of what time means—but I know that they are all able to at least live in a happy moment from that time period. They found a night to repeat where they got good sleep, they got to spend time with friends and be outside.

There is nothing more important than remembering how you got to where you are today. Without the things that I went through, I would not be the person I am today. I am so grateful to be the person I am today, and I will never forget the people that I used to be. They got me here.