October 6- Apollo Bay
This morning I woke up with a bit more optimism than normal, and that is hard to do. I think going into the day- I know things will not always go the way that I planned them but for the best, they will come out the way they were always meant to. There will always be good in the bad, and bad in the good.
I had a little brekky and a dirty chai and then said goodbye to a city I know I am going to come back to- Halls Gap. It has been my favorite city to be in so far (outside of Myrt). It is full of outdoorsy people, hiking, good art, and the views are amazing.
I started the 3 ish hour journey to Apollo Bay, and of course had to stop and see something on my drive. It is funny, now that I am driving by myself again, I want to randomly stop at so many places and allowing myself to enjoy them tends to make the road trip a bit better.
I found another waterfall that was closer to my destination and would still be able to get me to stretch my legs a bit.
It was surrounded by a beautiful jungle, red wood trees, blue spruce and a couple eucalyptus or gum species I am sure. I saw a little carving on the tree that said
Enjoy the moment
It was a great reminder to be in the present moment, that I am moving so so quickly and sometimes on a race against time when I am driving due to something planned or checking into my hotel but that I did not say yes to this side quest without making sure I had some for it. So I sat on the walk back with the spruce trees and talked to them for a bit. Imagining the amazing things they have seen in their lifetimes. It brought a tear to my eye thinking about how may life cycles they have seen and how lucky they are to be in a park, spending time by the river ever day. Another thing that I noticed on my travels so far is that I am really not a beach person. I would rather have a hike in the cold than sit on a beach and do nothing. I have enjoyed seeing the beaches and coasts here, and I think part of that is because I get to walk it. I have went in the water 2 times (it was FREEEZING both times) and it was to cool off or to have the experience of being in the water where I was.
I did my first thing that made me feel like a tourist and that was a nature walk to see animals. The location was beautiful and it felt like this place I like to explore near home- but I felt like a tourist in a weird way where I had a little bit of shame almost? It was such a weird feeling, it honestly felt like getting a tour of something in your city and being like "wow people get excited about my city in weird ways". I think part of it is because I was like oh- this is a place I would love to work at.
I truly am not sure how to put it, the tour guide was amazing, she ensured that we got to see the animals that they have in their sanctuary and the property was beautiful. They are doing some amazing research projects. If you want to check it out their site is linked at Wildlife Wonders.
I really needed food because you guys know me, skipping meals to go on a walk lol. So I went and checked in then headed to the water to get some views and walk to dinner. I sat at a place and looked out the window while easedropping on the bartenders talking about their dreams. It was hilarous. I had dinner and finished my book converation with Nate. Then I got ice cream, honeycomb, so good. It was filled with goodness, today.
I also finished my book. It weirdly ended similarily to the conversation Nate, my brother (hi), and I were having today.
Quote from the book: After they conquered flight, no one seemed to notice. Nobody seemed to care.
That people really do not care. That my writing seems like I am trying to impress someone (myself if I am going to be honest, and be the best for myself) but I care SO much about what people think about me that I am way too scared to make big, scary decisions because I am afraid of losing all of these people I love and honestly that I am going to make the wrong decision. I have wanted to leave the US for more than 10 years now it feels like and to live overseas. That is the thing that scares me the most, but it scares me that I am not going to do it too.
Quote from the book: We don’t know what the future holds, it’s another to admit that you, yourself, don’t know today what you will even want in the future.
This is part of what scares me, how will I know what I want in the future? I don't!! And I think that is part of what is holding me back- but you know what.. my future self will be more proud of me for TRYING than staying afraid.
Quote from the book: Sunk costs- anchoring decisions to past efforts that can’t be refunded- are a devil in a world where people change over time. They make our future selves prisoners to our past, different, selves.
My future self is currently a prisoner to my past self. She would have NEVER done any of the things that I am doing. She was too afraid of being lonely. She honeslty couldn't have handled what I am doing today. I love her for exactly who she is becuase without her, I would not be where I am today. I have to think of that for my future self. In therapy recently, I unlocked the last version of my younger self who was locked behind a couple of doors that I was too scared to open. Once I set her free I honestly felt so free and have been continuing to feel that freedom.
When talking to my mom and grandma about coming out here, they said they could not do what I am doing, but it is because of them that I got to do something like this. Without my bloodline making the decisions they did, I get to have this freedom.
As you read yesterday, yeah I do not look at most of my childhood in a positive way, but I do know that my purpose is to send love, help people love themselves and to explore the world the way I used to explore my own back yard. I am doing all of this for little Jess. To have her pin me on her pinterest board. I love her so much and I get to find out how to ensure that everything I do is something I am proud to say I have done. Time to drop the ego at the door.
Maybe some of you know what this eludes to, maybe we will talk about it in person or on the phone.
Comments