October 5- Halls Gap & Deep Thoughts
Updated: 4 days ago
They tell you not to go chasing waterfalls and you know I did it anyway! I spent a lot of the day bouncing around from place to place with little time to settle down. Luckily the drive from stay to stay was not too long but I made sure to go out of my way to see things I may have missed due to where I was staying.
In the order of pictures above, I started my day with a 4 km hike to Beehive Falls and had to go out of my way to get the people who were there out of the way. Then I went to the Balconies (at Reed Lookout); the mountains were amazing. I then went to Boroka Lookout, where I could see the city of Halls Gap. Truly an incredible view. I made another friend who used binoculars up on the viewpoint, like my trip in February, and he was showing me all the amazing things that we could find. I love that I tend to make friends with strangers and can enjoy their presence.
I went into town, checked into my stay, looked at the other walk options, and decided that I needed to go find these volcanic sinkholes that were a little over an hour away. I wanted to try to be home before sunset and needed to leave at that moment, basically. So I packed up my stuff, filled up the tank, and hopped back onto the road.
I made the stops and found out there were some more waterfalls in the area, so after my 2 km hike, I decided to go find those too. After spending a bit of time, I realized I was not going to make it back before the sun set, so I enjoyed the sunset before the terrifying drive home, trying to ensure that I did not hit an animal. I saw 2 kangaroos and 4 wallabies (they are solo travelers too). It was not a fun drive, but I had a lot of time to think while going 20 km/h under the speed limit.
I had a lot of time to think last night, and I like to listen to songs about love to help inspire my life to feel more romantic, and a couple of things about Nick Miller from New Girl popped into my mind.
I never learned how to read just memorized a lot of words
This has definitely changed for me since I've been in Australia, I made sure that every city I pass, I say the name of it out loud, no matter how wrong it is or if I sounds stupid, worst case it is me hearing it and then I get to make fun of myself. It has been really an eye-opening, well more of an ear opening moment lol
He's never really learned how to love
After processing and spending a lot of time with myself, I really only have time to think and thank you, OCD, for that. I have an understanding of platonic love and how to love my friends and love my community.
I think the part of romantic love that feels so intimidating to me is the fact that twice now, I've been with someone for over four years, and I do not know if, looking back on them, I was truly and blissfully in love with them. I think that there was love there, and there will always be love there with the time that I spent with them. However, I think part of it was insecure love.
Growing up, I think what I was shown love is or how it should be was skewed. I had my dad trying to buy our love with things. As a kid, he wanted to be able to do things, was told no, and so he thought that is what love looked like, or what he was missing from his life. For my mom, she definitely was quality time; she liked doing things together, but sometimes it got overcast by (from my perspective) her trying to ensure that we were perfect. I remember needing to rewrite things so many times before my handwriting looked good enough and being hyper aware of how I looked, and what I was doing with my body in public. Trying not to catch the eyes of men at such an early age.
I was a feral child, hardly had my hair brushed, and was outside 90% of the time. Caring about my handwriting and other people was not what I cared about, ha. I did become hyper attune to it though, where now I cannot be in public without being hyper aware of my surroundings.
I know no relationship is perfect; I know my parents did the best they could with raising 4 kids before they were 35. I give them a lot of credit for being able to do that.
The one thing that I'm trying to figure out is how to love romantically while still being my authentic self. I am honestly not sure if I know how to do that, and I think that this time to myself has been eye-opening in that way, where seeing my friends and other people around them truly and authentically love the people that they're with, it kind of scares me that I don't think I've ever been truly in that position.
I tend to love people for who they are and fall into that type of loving the person so easily, but I do not know how to not lose parts of myself while learning how to love someone. Maybe that is what I need to figure out before I can find my person, to not lose any part of myself while learning to love someone else. I tend to freeze up and dive into myself when I cannot be myself, or if someone around me is making me feel like I cannot be myself. The fear of judgment from that person can really take over my mind.
I think the reason I have such a hard time in romantic relationships is because I want to ensure that person is truly their happiest and if they aren’t, I throw my happiness to the side to help them. I try to be everything for them and I think that turns into more harmful than good love.
Especially in my last relationship, in the end of it, he was depressed with his job, he played video games what felt like 24 hours a day and I did almost everything around our apartment, with the pets and even scheduling time with our friends and family. I felt like I was being a good partner by making sure he had all of his needs met. By doing this I didn’t do anything for myself. I’d get upset with him for not coming on walks with the dog and I because all he wanted to do was sit inside and watch tv or play video games. I’d ask him to help make dinner and he’d say no or that he was busy. There was so much more that went into all of that too. In the end though, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. I wasn’t doing the things I liked anymore and was trying so hard to push him to do the things he loved but didn’t give him space to just be sad.
I definitely forget sometimes that people are going to be sad and all I can do is sit in the mud with them and not try to fix anything. When I’m sad all I want to do is go on a walk with my dog, sit on the grass and draw or do fuck all.
I did love everyone I’ve been with well, I think the hardest part for me was living with someone finding time to do things together that aren’t in the house or that are something you do together- that you have your full attention on them.
When I don’t have that time, then I feel like my cup drains so much and I need more time with them until it fills up. Once I get the date time, then I’m good. I can do things on my own. Since I wasn’t getting date nights or walks with the dog or honestly anything outside of watching TV or video games together. I lost myself because I felt unwanted and unworthy of someone’s time.
Spending time with myself, and only myself remained me that I do deserve someone’s time, my own and in a relationship. I had to heal that part of me to remind myself my own worth.
Sorry to end on such a deep thought, enjoy the mental conundrum that I am feeling. I love you all, while still being able to be myself ;) ! <3
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